When I was a young kid, I wanted to be an attorney. I had big aspirations of attending Harvard to obtain my law degree – because, why not? I was 8-years-old. It made perfect sense.
Every child has bright ideas and unique scopes on the future that they perceive to be so far away. When asked about their future plans, a second-grader will almost certainly give you a more sure-fire answer than that of a twelfth-grader. In rare cases, a person will spend their adult career doing exactly as they said they would when first asked by their second-grade teacher. In most cases however, (and my own case,) a person will change who they are and who they want to become many times over throughout their juvenile years, up through early adulthood.
Why did I want to be a lawyer? Did I really even know what a lawyer was?
Probably not.
The truth is, when I was eight years old, I didn’t have the first clue, about anything, really. Someone likely mentioned to me in passing that a lawyer makes (in theory) a lot of money, or I read in a book that Harvard was a prestigious school. Perfect combination, I’m sure I thought.
I don’t exactly remember when I changed my mind, or threw out the prospect of attending law school entirely – probably the first time that I got a C+ on a math test, in the sixth grade (which I still vividly remember, in all its anguish.) Whatever it was, that dream faded, and led me to where I am – what I am.
What am I, exactly?
This thought crossed my mind recently – and I struggled at first, to produce a single word or blanket statement.
I began my adult life with hopes of pursuing a career in graphic design and digital marketing (which, admittedly, still holds a place in my heart and mind,) before transitioning into a business-minded approach. In all honesty, I’m not entirely sure what I had planned with chasing down a business degree – good thing it only lasted a semester. Once this mess subsided, for one reason or another at the time, I decided on pursuing a career in education. The rest is history.
Now, while these years later, I am, technically speaking, a teacher – that’s not what came to mind as I rummaged through my brain to find the one word that defines what I am.
In time, I decided that I consider myself a mentor.
My intention and fulfillment is fostered through guiding others through life with the use of my own shortcomings and lessons-learned. In my daily job as an educator, a coach, in my personal life as a husband, in writing this blog to spread some of my own knowledge and thoughts to help whoever may come across it, and now, my most prized title of all, a father.
On February 3rd of this year, 2023, at 1:54 pm, my wife and I welcomed our first child into the world.
In reality, no one can adequately summarize the feelings that coincide with the onset of parenthood. It’s a hard thing to explain. There’s a lot to it.
But, here goes nothing.
This week marks two full months of having our precious little girl home with us – two months filled with some of the most tremendous joy I could possibly imagine. Each day providing new forms and avenues of enlightenment.
Over the span of these two months, I’ve learned plenty about the tangible things; changing diapers and outfits, feeding with a bottle, bath time, etc.
But, perhaps more importantly, I’ve found such monumental value in the intangibles. The moral lessons, the growth I’ve seen in my own thoughts and actions. The admiration I’ve gained for my wife in watching her care for our daughter, and developing a type of love that defies all prior understanding of what it means to love someone or something.
Leading up to the birth of our daughter, in the months prior, one question flooded my ears – literally daily, if not more than once per day; “you ready?”
Was I ready?
Nope. No one can be.
I thought I was. I prepared my mind, I read the literature, watched the videos, helped to prep the house. So, when asked, I’d respond with something to the tune of “oh yeah!”
Wrong.
Now, to clear up some immediate confusion, all of this is not to say that I wasn’t ready for parenthood because it’s “too difficult,” and something “out of my league,” so to speak. Not this at all.
Something far different.
What I wasn’t prepared for, and what no one can (truly) prepare for, was how parenthood will change you. In the best ways possible, if you’ll allow it to.
An Ode To Change
One of my favorite stand-up comedians is Tom Segura. If you’ve never listened to his Netflix Specials, do yourself a favor and give one, or two – or all of them a watch. Chances are, once you consume one, you’ll want to watch the remainder of them.
My wife and I have watched all of them (four on Netflix) probably five times through. No exaggeration, either.
Tom’s comedy makes me laugh more than – just about – any other comedian I’ve taken the time to watch. That said, what I tend to appreciate most about him isn’t the comedy itself – but the “real-life” wisdom he will share in his specials, on his podcast(s), and through his social media presence.
One thing that will forever resonate with me was Tom’s statement on parenthood. Although there are several instances in which he discusses parenting within his comedy bits, this statement stands out among the rest.
In discussing the change associated with parenthood, Tom describes that it doesn’t change you – but rather, that is should change you. He goes on to say that if it doesn’t change you, if you’re still the same person, same routines, same habits – you’re doing something wrong.
He’s right.
From the outside looking in, not much has changed in our household. Admittedly, we would both (probably) be considered “old-souls.” At the ripe age of 24, we already spent our nights and weekends staying in, most days heading to bed prior to 9:00 pm – living a clean lifestyle, prior to having children. In this regard, things look about the same.
Where the change occurs (or should occur) is on the inside, within your subconscious. In your decision making. In your morals, your motivation, your work-ethic, your overall desire to succeed and lead by example. Because, for the very first time in your life, you are responsible for another.
That’s a powerful thing.
It’s Not Just You Anymore
In my very first blog post, I referred to the concept of ‘Resume Virtues vs Eulogy Virtues.‘
According to author David Brooks:
“The résumé virtues are the skills you bring to the marketplace. The eulogy virtues are the ones that are talked about at your funeral.”
Although very green in the journey of parenthood, I’ve quickly drawn connections between such virtues and a person’s actions as a parent. The eulogy virtues are not only what I want to be remembered by one day, but, most importantly, what I hope to leave behind for the generations that follow. Specifically, my own children.
Do I want to model the status quo? Or something altogether different? Provide a life of joy and exploration, or the latter?
What I’ve come to learn is that the building blocks for human life begin their formation in the first days, weeks and months of existence. All that you will become in this life is due in part to what is provided (and what is not) through your early experiences.
How to properly provide for a child is a complex thing and often misunderstood.
To provide materialistic things – tangible things, while still important, is a far cry from what holds the utmost priority. The power lies in the intangibles – the moral lessons, which I previously alluded to.
This is where I circle back to eulogy virtues.
Said virtues are actions that aid in the acquisition of character. Your children’s character is curated through what they receive from you, what you model for them, and in what ways you provide.
We all remember, from our childhood, a kind (and unkind) interaction with someone. A moment in which our confidence was uplifted, and unfortunately, a time in which it was torn down. All of which are within your control (to some extent) as a parent.
These are moments that shape us as humans. Into what we are, and who we will become. The character that we will build over time is initiated through what we witness from our parents. The virtues by which they choose to live out in their lives.
Model It
What do you want for your kids? Do you want better than you had? Better than you currently are?
They need to see better to be better.
A quote as old as time: “Do as I say, not as I do.” — complete and utter nonsense, respectfully.
Sure, there are anomalies – where young boys grow up and behave opposite their father (for better or for worse.) I consider myself to be an example of such a contrast. I learned what to do and how to approach life by reflecting, as I came into adulthood, on what was absent in my childhood, but this is rare.
The greater majority will follow suit. They linger down the path already paved for them by those who raised them. Adopting the actions, morals, and routines that were present amidst their childhood. After all, if it’s all they’ve ever known, can you blame them?
If you desire kindness from your kids – be kind to others.
Expect them to read? Read with them.
If you take the easy way out, so will they.
Live a toxic lifestyle? As a byproduct of your habits, they will too.
Back To Change
In reality, I had fairly healthy routines, sound morals and a strong work ethic prior to becoming a dad. I had goals, I appreciated my wife, I took care of my body and mind.
Now, it’s all amplified.
I’ve allowed the change to take place, as it should.
My family is the epicenter of my goals, my routines are set with them in mind. The building blocks of my daughter’s entire being are in my hands, placed through my decisions and actions.
I wake each day, fulfilled in knowing that I’m serving my family to the best of my ability. Providing in the best way I know how.
Providing, again, not by means of tangible things, but through presence. By modeling what I wish to see from my daughter one day.
In these first two months of fatherhood, I’ve quickly come to learn that what matters most in raising a little human can’t be obtained through a Harvard Law degree, or bought with the level of funds that may ensue thereafter – but rather through choices that I must make, not just today, or tomorrow, but for the rest of my life.
As the days progress, and things continue to evolve, my priorities will remain the same – understanding that my actions will forever influence the life my daughter leads.
Here’s to what has been an outstanding two months of life and to what is sure to continue as such for years to come.
Forged in Fire 
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